I had considered abandoning this blog, and starting anew. But it is a part of me, who I was, it is shows a clear path of how I have developed and emerged since.

So rather than wipe the slate clean, I will just add to it I suppose, sort of like reverse composting; the difference being I expect it to get better towards the top layers. OF course I may change my mind, I am an artist after all.



Lately I have been thinking about all I have to be thankful for in my life. Reading through my old posts makes me see how much my life has changed in good and positive ways(this includes posts that were removed or never posted).

It's a bit hard to explain, but maybe this will help: I draw now, frequently, feverishly, and with zealous. I even finish my projects. There was a long period of time when worry would stagnate me and not allow me to flourish in that matter. I was worried about things like: will I ever get married, have children, plant a garden, finish my education, and many other things that would literally stifle my creativity with such an impact that I would just sit and stare at blank paper for hours. I would not even apply color.

It's not so much that I'm an entirely different person now, it's that my life has changed in such a way to allow me to feel the stability that had been missing for so long, in a way I have bloomed much like a flower would with the right conditions.

Another thing that springs to my mind when I'm thinking of this, is the freedom in which my creativity now flows. An example: it is not uncommon to find me in my art room, prancing around like elf, with my violin in hand, and singing along with both expression and vigor.

When a person doesn't feel secure in their life, it is much harder to access those deep reaches of the soul that allow us to express ourselves in such manners. Even small worries, if allowed, can destabilize a person. It's so important to have enough inner strength that we do not allow our foundations to be shaken, but if we feel we have no foundation, as if we are already standing on shaking ground, all the inner strength in the world will simply not allow for the best growth and emergence. Which is why I have learned it is so important to have enough anchors, so that we feel grounded and then eventually we will develop our own strong foundation.

As a child who moved around a lot, to such an extent that by the time I was a senior in high school I had already attended twelve different schools, I did not feel like I had a foundation. I felt as if the ground were shifting and shaking beneath me, almost as if I literally lived on a fault line. I can remember many a time, sitting at a school desk, taking in my surroundings and wondering how long before I was looking at a new one. There was a point in my life that I felt like every time I had finally began to feel secure again, something catastrophic would inevitably happen, and I would lose that sense of security once again. Even as I got older it was difficult to shake those feelings of being on shaky ground. As an adult, as I began to build my own foundation, I often worried when the next tremor would inevitably occur. However, slowly, sometimes excruciatingly slowly, I began to brick by brick build that foundation so that the feelings from childhood of "how long before the next upheaval in my life" began to dissipate.

For the longest time the only constant in my life, was God. If He had not been there, all of those times when I felt lost or alone, I do not know how I would have subsisted. I simply do not believe it to have been possible. Being shifted from school to school, family member to family member, it is almost impossible to know ones place in the world or have a sense of home, save that for a relationship with God. My only constant, my only true sense of home, was God. That kept me from slipping down a precipice, or falling into a place where I had no hope for a better future. Having God anchored me in hope. That faith secured that I would find it in myself to build a foundation of trust within myself that things would not all eventually unravel, but rather that through my actions, hard work, and perseverance I could insure a brighter future. This is a truth that relied upon time to permeate me fully, and sometimes has needed to be re-instilled, but through maturity I have learned and seen it's truth evidenced in my life.

I am very thankful for feeling stability in my life now. Like I said before, it is important to have many anchors, and I would be remiss if I did not say my husband is a wonderful anchor. He has become another constant, not just in that we're married and such, but that his strong sense of honor has further instilled security within me. I can trust him. If he says he will do something, or be somewhere, he will do it or be there. The only exceptions I have seen have been illness preventing, and he rarely gets sick and when he does it is quite short lived. His dedication anchors me. I feel like we live in a society where much is said but little as actually lived up to, but with Nick he feels his word is his bond. He doesn't just have ideals, he lives it. There's also something to be said for the way love can anchor you. My husband firmly believes the best way to show his love is through action or works. He tells me often, but he also shows me in abundance. I have a very loving husband, who is trustworthy, has been accused of being honest to a fault, and has a true sense of honor and does his best to live it. I am very thankful for these blessings.

My husband has also brought many other things in my life that I am thankful for. He bought us a home, and we have planted a beautiful garden. I have yearned for a garden for so long. Literally having a foundation beneath does encourage feelings of stability, but the love we have shared, the laughs, the joys, the growths, have made me feel that security here.

I am also very thankful, on a milder note, that our kitties love each other. It is not unusual to see Pandora stalking her Odin, resulting an eventual pounce or chase around the house. They bring an additional sense of home to our house, and provide hours of amusement or snuggles and purrs.

As it is midnight, I will conclude this by saying I am very excited for what is hopefully to be the next chapter in our lives: babies. We are hoping, praying, and trying for that additional joy and blessing to be bestowed upon us at this point in our lives. I am also thankful that I am in a place in my life that this dream can come to fruition.